Imposter Phenomenon

In the psychology class I TA for, we discussed earlier in the semester something called an “imposter phenomenon” - basically where you don’t feel like you belong, you’re not sure you’ve earned it, and you generally feel a little shifty about your whole situation.

That’s kind of how I’m feeling at the end of the semester, especially in my TA role. I guess I always knew I’d end up giving students grades on things, but I never knew I’d feel so personally invested in their grades; after the recent make-up exams (which are essay, and not the usual multiple choice), I find myself cheering when I see that someone really understands something, and being a little sad (and, sometimes, amused) when something is way, way off base. I remember how terrified I was in my undergrad when my finals were in essay form, wondering if I’d get marked down for spelling some obscure anthropological term wrong or if it would damage my grade if I used list form for an essay exam… the terror! Now that I’m grading, though, I can see the humor in my worries; at least for me, as long as the responses are in coherent English (or, I guess Spanish or Russian, though I don’t imagine many folks will take me up on that) and they can approximate the obscure Psychology terms, I’m fine. Spelled Freud Froid? Bah, I get the picture. (And no, nothing has been that bad!)

It’s weird, though… there’s this teeny flickr of worry intermingled with the good mojo I get from grading exams, the worry that students will dislike me because I mark something off, that the half-credit I’m giving for that one question will cause a student to have a panic attack when they see their grade. But what can I do? It’s something I’ll have to get used to, I suppose, but it still gives me The Uneasiness; I think, if I’m still a student, do I really have the authority to be giving grades to other students? Some of whom are older than me, or just a year behind me academically?

Who knows. Maybe the disgruntled emails will end up being happy emails, thanking me for being such a fair grader, praising my awesome intellect, my fantastic choices of questions, my awe-inspiring ability to accessorize. Ah, well. I can always dream.